I attended a Sweet 16 birthday party recently, and the experience opened a portal to my past that I didn't know was still there. It was a sunny afternoon, and I got to the venue just as the party was about to start. The celebrant, a beautiful girl, was all smiles. She was understandably shy, since she was the centre of attention at the party. When I arrived, the first thing I noticed was the girls. I observed their outfits - crop tops, baggy jeans and sneakers. Some of them had their phones out, others were chit-chatting, and a few of them were choreographing TikTok dances and having a good time.
I sat down and was transported to when I was 16 years old. At that time, I was rounding off senior secondary school. I remember being lonely and experiencing self-doubt. I felt awkward and unworthy, but also like there was more to life and I wasn’t living mine. I terribly missed my parents, who had passed away, and was too timid to ask for the things I needed. In one conversation with my sister at the time, she told me “You need to ask (for the things you need or want); the worst anyone will tell you is “no”, and “no” has never killed anyone. Open your mouth and ask!”. She said this because I’d been begging her to ask one of my older cousins for something.
My shyness wasn’t noticeable to most of my friends and family. I’ve always been a funny girl and one of my superpowers is making people laugh. Another superpower I still have is a loud serious tone, which stood out more in my teenage years because other girls my age had soft feminine voices. I once tried to explain that anxiety changed my voice but people didn’t believe me. In fact, I was awarded the boldest girl in my school.
I was already a Christian at the time, but I did not understand God’s love, mercy and grace so I lived in guilt, constantly doubting his love and not living in the freedom that comes with being saved. I was always thinking of sin and hell. I did not read my Bible to understand God’s words nor did I spend time with him. Rather, I spent a lot of time avoiding prayers and fellowship. It didn’t help that all the Christian girls around me were urged to act a certain way. We were harshly judged if we did anything contrary to what was expected of us. I put so much emphasis on how I behaved as if my conduct (and not my faith in Jesus) was what saved me in the first place. If I engaged in social or secular activities, I judged myself as failing or was judged by others. If I danced at a party, how would I convince my fellow Christians that I was still a child of God?
In my reflections, I realised that some of the pressure I felt to be ‘good’ was internal. I thought about the restraint I often had to exhibit as a young girl. I wanted to be a good girl and make my family proud. My father passed away when I was in secondary school and I remember one of the reasons I wanted to be good was that I did not want to be the topic of discussion during family meetings. I would tell myself if I had a mom and dad, they would “cover” my transgressions. Without them, I would be passed from uncle to aunt, all in the name of "we are looking for a solution”. I saw how hard my sisters worked to raise me and my other siblings and I did not want to be a “troublemaker”, because anything could qualify as trouble.
All of these memories and feelings rose to the surface as I watched these 16-year-old girls having a good time with one another. They did not wait for the boys to take the lead on the fun, nor were they waiting for them to join. I thought about how girls and boys related when I was 16. The girls wanted to be ladies so we spoke a certain way, walked a certain way, and even laughed a certain way, covering our mouths with our hands. Honestly, it annoyed me that boys and girls weren’t treated the same, and that the girls needed approval from the boys. I just wanted to be a teenager, to be free and have fun. But I was constantly reminded that if I did not meet expectations, I would not get the approval of the boy who would eventually marry me. And I really wanted marriage and children. From an early age, I wanted to have my own. I believed I would get mine in marriage - my husband, my children, my home, MINE!!! So I tried to conform.
At the boarding school I attended, a ritual we had was getting ready for Friday dinner and social night. Girls wasted water every Friday evening taking long showers and preparing look beautiful for dinner. They ironed their house-wear, dusted their faces with white powder and doused themselves in body spray or perfume, just to be attractive to the boys. Meanwhile, some of the boys came to dinner directly from the football field, in sweaty school uniforms. I did not understand why I had to put in extra effort for boys who did not even put in any effort. To make things worse, these nonchalant boys led the activities of the social night, from DJ-ing to other games and activities that we did. Even when a girl danced, sometimes it was because a boy picked her out of a crowd to dance with him. We waited to be chosen and called upon to come forward to have a great time.
Fast forward to this girl’s 16th birthday party, and these girls were not waiting for anyone’s permission; one of them even took the mic from the MC to hype her friends. At first, it shocked me. I thought, “these girls are too loud. Why are they acting like this?” And then my spirit said, “didn’t you want to be like this when you were sixteen? Didn’t you want to be free to express yourself?”
As I watched those girls dance I wished I could go back in time, even if only briefly, to hold my 16 year old self; that girl who felt lonely and unworthy. I would say to her, “you’re perfect just the way you are. Laugh more, stop overthinking and just dance.” I would hug her and tell her to rest her head on my bosom. I know she would shed tears just by being held. I would tell her how much I love her and how proud of her I am, knowing she longed to hear those words from her father before death took him away.
Importantly, I would remind her that the only validation that matters is from God. To remind her that God is gracious and merciful. He first loved her even before she knew who He was. I would tell her it is okay to speak up on what she believes in (even if her voice shakes) and not to worry because her voice gets louder as she grows older. I would remind her to dance as freely as she wants, not minding the boys since she would end up loving girls anyway, and the girls who would love her would only want her to be free.
Reading this now and remembering the line from that song that says “All I wanted to do was dance”. This is quite profound. Thanks for sharing yourself with us in this article. I am motivated to blast songs from the early 2000s and dance like no one is watching.